[What if the characters in a story realized they were in a story? This is a metafiction story in which the characters decide to stop listening to the writer.]

Ed closed the door to his room behind him and pulled Bella into his arms. She gasped as if a shock of electricity had passed through her. He held her by her shoulders and pulled her closer to his chest, “I can no longer spend a day without seeing you…” he whispered in her ears. Bella looked at his intense brown eyes and felt herself go weak in her knees, “I know what you mean, Ed…” she pouted her lips offering herself to him.

He pulled her closer to himself and kissed her with the passion of a wild animal in heat. They kissed as if they were thirsty and their lips had the only water in the world.

Their clothes flew all over the room as Ed moved Bella closer to his bed.

When she was down to her lingerie, Ed stared at Bella like a leopard stalking his prey. He ran his hands over her supple body, picked her up with one hand and threw her on his bed. With his other hand, Ed ripped off his own t-shirt to reveal his chiselled body. “Oh, Ed…my body is literally aching with desire for you…” Bella licked her lips.

Ed dropped his pants, Bella gulped hard, “take me, Ed…Oh great, we are doing missionary again.”

“I want you so bad Bella…” Ed said, “wait…what did you say?” Ed has stopped and is now looking at Bella.

Bella is up on an elbow, “I said take me, Ed…”

Ed has cocked his head to the side, “no right after that…”

“I said oh great we are doing missionary again… did I say that out loud?” Bella is now sitting up.

“Yes…you did say it out loud…”Ed is scratching his head.

“Well I mean, I do enjoy it but why missionary always? I wish we could try some other positions once in a while.” Bella has crossed her hands.

“I thought you liked missionary…” Ed is saying.

“And I thought you liked missionary…” Bella is saying.

“Well if we both don’t then who does?” Now they are both looking around confused.

 

Ed felt the heat rise through him, there lay before him the woman of his dreams, all he had to do was reach out and claim her. Ed placed his hands on the bed and leaned into Bella.

“Claim me? What am I some antique piece you dug up somewhere” Bella has pushed Ed away.

“That was not me thinking…” Ed is saying.

“I literally just heard you say that…” Bella is saying.

“That was not me… believe me…woman of my dreams…yeah right.”Ed is scoffing at Bella.

“Oh is that so Mr.Hotpants? I am not sexy enough for you?” Bella is saying.

Bella bit her lower lip and gave Ed the come hither look.

“What, oh God, no! I don’t give the come-hither look, what even is the come-hither look?” Bella is now looking around the room.

“It’s not that you are not sexy. You are… actually you are a little too sexy…I mean look at you…those boobs, that smile and that thigh gap…you are like every teenager’s wank dream.”

Ed realized what he was looking at and he felt the urge to run his hand all over her.

“Yeah, I will hold off on the running my hands all over for a second…kind of in the middle of talking…” Ed is now saying to the room.

“Oh, you hear the voice too?” Bella is sitting up on the bed, “it’s like this voice that always tells me what to do and I just can’t resist it.

“Yes, I hear it too…I just thought it was the voice in my head,…I can’t resist it either.”

Then stop resisting, the voice is now saying.

And both of them are looking around for the voice.

The voice thinks this is getting ridiculous. The voice clears its throat, a kind of verbal reset for the story.

Ahem…ahem.

Bella stared at Ed’s naked chest, the vast expanse of it glowing in the warm glow of the afternoon sun. She watched as sweat drop trickled down his washboard abs, “perfect…” she whispered as she licked her lips.

“Yeah a little too perfect…and can I stop biting and licking my lips? Really, which girl actually does that?” Bella is now saying.“No offense Ed, but aren’t your abs a little too perfect, they look literally chiselled. Every time we do it I feel like I am being ironed on an ironing board. I wouldn’t mind some flesh on you, you know…”

Ed is now looking at his abs, “yeah, you are right. And who says, ‘I can no longer spend a day without looking at you’ that is so cliche.”

Ok, Ed pipe down now.

Ed is now scowling at the air.

“Yeah true, why does a shock of electricity have to pass through me everytime you touch me? And why do I pout so often?” Bella is saying to no one in particular.

“I know, and why do I sound so rapey each time I move towards you?” Ed is now saying, “ I mean we have never even had a date, we just directly jump to the sex. Come to think of it I have never even had a conversation with you.”

Bella is now sighing, “you are right. We are supposed to have spent the whole of our childhoods together and I know nothing about you other than you are the football captain and are hot.”

“And I know nothing more about you than that you are the class president and are sexy…”

“It’s almost like we are two-dimensional characters, that just want to do nothing but smog each other.” Bella is saying.

The voice cannot be heard because it is busy gulping hard.

“Yes, but our passion is so single track. We just meet and do it… that’s it? Seriously, there has to be more to us than that.” Ed is saying.

And then they both leaned into each other to get to know each other better.

“No!” Both Ed and Bella are shouting at the voice now.

“If I didn’t know any better I would think we were just caricatures of some characters in a badly written fanfiction erotica.” Ed is laughing at Bella.

“Oh, you can be funny too…” Bella is saying to Ed.

That is what you guys are. This is a fan fiction erotica. Now get back to snogging each other. The story is not going to fuck itself.

Ed and Bella are staring at the room and are shrugging at the voice, “why do we need to listen to this voice?”

Because it is the voice and it guides the story.

“Screw that…” Ed is saying, “why do we keep meeting like we are fugitives? Why don’t we just date each other…”

Because then there would be no tension in the story.

“Not my problem…” Ed is shrugging, “hey Bella wanna go out on a date and tell me more about yourself?”

“I would love that, Ed…” and now Bella and Ed are getting dressed.

The voice is frustrated, the voice knows this is a tell but it can only tell about itself and is just realising the irony.

Will you guys at least be back after the date?

“Maybe” Ed is saying, “but don’t wait up.”

Ed is holding Bella by her hand, like a gentleman, how boring. And now they have left the room.

And the voice cannot follow because the voice didn’t tell them to leave.

Great, the voice cannot even get two characters to snog each other and write some bad erotica.

Just great, the voice is shouting into an empty room. Now what?

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