egg murder

Detective Dumpty crinkled his nose at the smell of scrambled yolk that was emanating from the sidewalk. Another day another rotten egg cracked open on the pavement. He had reached the crime scene where his deputies were still drawing the outline of the dead body in chalk and others were holding back an eager crowd. Dumpty could make out the egg white and the yolk of the dead egg that were already beginning to cook in the heat of the sun. He could see a young newspaper egg carrying the morning edition, “Extra Extra, Jack the Cracker strikes again! Another rotten egg cracked open! Prime Minister to declare resignation today! Extra Extra.”

Dumpty glared at the newspaper egg and then noticed Benedict Singleyolk, the reporter for ‘The Transparent Shell’ the liberal propaganda mouthpiece that had squeezed this whole case for all that it was worth and more. Dumpty had always hated Singleyolk and his crazed conspiracy theories. His minute coverage of this case was churning Dumptie’s yolk inside his shell. He secretly hoped that Jack the cracker, as the serial killer had been dubbed, opened Singleyolk’s shell next.

Dumpty sighed, this whole ‘Jack the Cracker’ business was a nightmare. He wished it was someone’s nightmare but thanks to his yellower yolk he was in charge of the case. He was reporting directly to the Prime Minister’s office and another egg cracking would not go well. He looked down upon the victim. “Poor Sunnyside! Rest in piece.” Dumpty mumbled as he stared at the cracked shell of his informant. Sunnyside had been an excellent informant and Dumpty thought she was really close to solving the case. Sunnyside had started out as a urchin and had fallen into the shell trade. She had been selling herself when Dumpty had busted her. And she had agreed to help him nab the rotten eggs running the red light district in the city. That case had made Dumpty famous and made him a detective. In a way he owed it all to Sunnyside, and she deserved much better that lying on the road with her shell cracked open and her yolk cooking in the sun.

“I should not have used her for this case. She would have been better selling herself on the streets!” Dumpty thought. But she had the perfect experience and connections to get to ‘Jack the Cracker’ a serial killer targeting the most vulnerable and unwanted members of their affluent society. He had been the most successful serial killer in all of history cracking at least one egg every night. And Dumpty had sent Sunnyside behind him. “Well there’s no point crying over cracked eggs” Dumpty said, he still had a serial killer to catch.

He bent down beside Sunnyside and checked her shell for any clues. She had said she was very close to finding out who ‘Jack the Cracker’ was and she was going to meet Dumpty and tell him today. He saw a piece of paper clenched in her right wrist. He wrestled it out, it was a pamphlet from the “The Good eggs of our Holy Hen” church. He wondered if it was just a coincidence or a clue.  

The bells tolled on the church and he looked up at the towers of the church. He had assumed that the Sunnyside’s body being found here was merely a coincidence, but maybe there was more to it then than. Maybe Sunnyside had been onto something. Just then, Mother Good Egg stepped out of the church and met his eye. She stared at the shell of Sunnyside without any signs of horror or revulsion. She then made a conscious effort to pray for her.

Mother Good Egg was an influential leader. She was the Queen’s cousin and was related to the Prime Minister in some way. Dumpty had attended her church and heard her sermons. They were always rather pompous and fanatical for his taste, but then Dumpty was not a very religious egg himself. He had also heard horrible stories about her childhood which said she had lost her mind as a teenager and been very wild and violent until she was taken in by the ‘Good sisters of the Holy Hen’

Mother Good Egg approached Dumpty and he gave her a brief bow.

“I am sorry for your loss inspector. I heard she was a good friend of yours.”

“Yes, Mother, she was!”

“Do not scramble over her, she is with the Holy Hen now!”

“I hope she is and if I don’t catch this ‘Jack the Cracker’ we will all be with the Holy Hen soon!” Dumpty sighed.

“Patience young egg, the Holy Hen has a plan for everything! You will catch the killer when you have to!” Mother Egg’s voice was soothing.

“But Mother, we have no leads and no clues of where to look.” Dumpty was surprised at his own confession.

“My child, I often find that when we are frantically looking for the truth it is often staring us back right in our face!”

Dumpty did not understand what this cryptic advice meant and so he stared at her. The Mother Good Egg raised her eyebrows and pointed in a direction.

Dumpty followed her gaze and found SingleYolk the reporter, at first he did not understand. The Mother Good Egg excused herself.

Dumpty stared at Singleyolk and then it clicked, like the pieces of a broken shell being glued together. Singleyolk the reporter! He was the only thing that was common in all of the cases. He had access to all of their data and he was pally with a lot of officers on the force. He was always with them investigating every one of the crackings. Now that Dumpty thought about it, he was often there at the crime scene even before the police arrived, like he was today! They had just never thought to look at him. It was like the Good Mother Egg had said, the truth was staring him right in his face!

But what could the clue that Sunnyside had left mean? They knew that ‘Jack the Cracker’ was evolving in the social profile of the eggs he killed. Was he planning to kill someone at the Church of the Holy Hen? The Good Mother Egg? She would make a great target, she was apolitical and yet involved with the administration and the royal family. Her death would truly launch the liberal revolution. Dumpty had to stop that.

Dumpty sneaked into the church a few minutes before midnight. The floorboards creaked beneath his feet and he felt heavier with the guilt of years of unconfessed sins as he passed under the statue of the Holy Hen. The church was silent with a innocent calm that the outside world lacked. Dumpty relaxed his hand around his frying pan. He actually felt calm after ages. Then he heard the scream, it was coming from the belfry. Dumpty ran.

The bell began to toll midnight as he climbed the steps. The sound made the yolk turn inside his shell. He reached the top of the belfry and the scene there made his eggwhite curdle.

Mother Good Egg stood beside a terrified Singleyolk who was pleading with her, “Mother no,please no!”

Mother Good Egg had a frying pan in her hand, it was actually a skillet, an illegal weapon far superior to his own standard issue pan.

She raised the skillet high above Singleyolks’ head. “NO, Mother Good Egg! Stop!” Dumpty screamed holding his own pan in her direction.

Mother Good Egg brought the skillet down on Singleyolk’s skull with a terrifying force. She cackled with laughter and her eyes glowed with a manic light. Singleyolks’ skull cracked and the white began to ooze out of it.

“But, Why Mother Good Egg?” Dumpty asked “Why?”

“For the glory of the cast iron skillet of course!” She cackled and cracked the skillet on singleton again.

“You wanted to catch ‘Jack the Cracker’ right inspector? Well, here I am!”

“Why Mother Egg?” Was all Dumpty could say.

“Again with the Whys! Why not! The world we live in is a shithole! The Monarchy is a relic and the government is a farce! I tried to advise the queen, she called me mad, I tried to reign in the Prime Minister, I even offered him my sacred shell. He used me like a common egg and turned me away when he was done. When I protested they called me rotten and locked me here. Fine, if they want a rotten egg, I will give them a rotten egg. I will start a people’s revolution that will wipe out the monarch and wash away the government. And you cannot make an omelette without cracking a few eggs!”

Mother Good Egg raised her skillet again.

“It’s over Mother, you have been caught. Your revolution is over!”

She gave her cackle, “Who is going to be believe you? What proof do you have! You think anyone will buy that The Mother Good Egg was the terrible serial killer ‘Jack the cracker’?”

She was right, he had no proof and she was too important to be dragged into a public trial.

“I will take my chances with the law!” Dumpty said.

Mother Good Egg smiled, “ you are assuming you are taking me alive, Like I said, You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.”

And with that Mother Good Egg jumped. As he saw her shell crack and her yolk splash on the pavement, Dumpty knew the revolution was coming and all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could not put their cracked kingdom together again.

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